During or after a divorce, it's common for people to feel a heightened sense of…well, everything. Intense longing, intense rage, intense anxiety, and even intense jealousy. Regardless of who initiated the divorce, people can have a tough time doing daily tasks while under the weight of extreme emotional pain. Seeing our spouses with another person, hearing our children express their preference for the other parent, or even seeing photos of our children enjoying themselves with a "the new parent" can send us on a downward emotional spiral.
The first thing you should know is that none of this makes you weak, unhealthy, or even unusual. Everyone has a strong response to divorce, and we all process change differently. However, science indicates that there's more to our response to divorce than just emotionality. It could be a survival response.
The Response to Physical (& Emotional) Dangers
What science has discovered is that our response to danger is almost identical regardless of the danger. Being stalked by a mountain lion? Sweat, adrenaline, heightened emotions, and anxiety (which keeps us alert) are par for the course. Have to see your spouse at a parent-teacher meeting? Your brain may not see a distinction between that and a lion attack.
What happens is that when we experience something that registers as harmful (like an ex), it triggers our amygdala—one of the most primal portions of our brain. The amygdala is responsible for our emotional response and stores our emotions. It's also quicker to respond than the rational part of our brain. While it's not convenient, that sort of snap judgment is vital for survival—even when it involves emotional survival.
The symptoms of the fight-or-flight response are similar to a panic attack:
- Elevated body temperature
- Unusually fast or manic language
- Manic behavior
- Sudden rage/mood switch
The key to using it to your advantage is recognizing the signs and knowing how to control your response. Learning your own fight-or-flight responses (and figuring out how to calm yourself down and direct your thoughts) is vital for surviving your divorce with your relationships and peace of mind intact.
Some of the best ways to objectively assess your response is to:
- Physically remove yourself from the situation (if possible)
- Go for a walk or exercise to utilize nervous energy
- Counting backwards while breathing slowly
- Asking yourself open-ended questions to mentally regroup
By exercising your ability to calm yourself, you can listen to your instincts without being subject to them. You can recognize emotional hazards while controlling your response. It's also important to go easy on yourself—you're not being "irrational" or "oversensitive." Your brain is quite literally responding to a threat. Find a way to respect that while remaining calm. If you're not sure if you can, find a friend that you deeply trust to know your state of mind—they can help you determine if you're behaving according to your fight-or-flight response.
Finally, remember—this will pass. You will heal. You just need to let your brain do what it's built to do: protect you and your health.