On this blog, we've addressed how problematic it is for a parent to badmouth their spouse to their children. However, we've not made it clear exactly why such a thing is harmful for your children (beyond "it could hurt your ability to have custody over them"). Family counselors have long commented on the harmfulness of "parental alienation," regardless of whether you think the other spouse deserves it.
We've always held that the best opinion you can express to your children regarding the other parent is "respect," regardless of how you feel. Neutral respect is best for everyone—here's why.
The Definition of Parental Alienation
Parental alienation is one parent's purposeful and deliberate sabotage of a child's relationship with the other parent. The overt or covert nature of these efforts can vary, but they're all harmful to some degree or another. Psychologists agree that there are various ways that spouses alienate their children from the other parent, with 7 core strategies.
Parental alienation takes the following forms:
- Denigrating the parent verbally to the child
- Limiting contact between child and parent
- Forbidding pictures or discussion of the parent
- Forcing the child to reject the parent, verbally or otherwise
- Convincing the child that the other parent is dangerous
- Forcing the child to "choose" one parent over the other
- Cutting off contact with the other parent's extended family
Regardless of a parent's intentions, these tactics only harm the child. In the end, they tell a child that their worth is only found in pleasing their parent, that only one of their parents loves them, and that they are only allowed to have one parent in their life. These beliefs drive feelings of worthlessness and codependence. As a result, parental alienation is considered a form of abuse, as potent and harmful long-term as any other form of child abuse.
Studies show that the long-term effects of rejecting one parent to please the other include:
- Depression
- Substance abuse
- Divorce
- Trust issues
Because a child's mind can be warped by abuse (and because emotionally abused children are often trained to cling to their abusers), courts will not respect the preference of children who have been the subjects of alienation efforts. If you're being accused, being fair and neutral is the only way you'll be able to strengthen your case against accusations of alienation.
This is why your lawyer (and your spouse's lawyer) will investigate your family dynamic so closely. The way you speak about your spouse to your children will be under close scrutiny, and counselors will be quick to report any potentially abusive or harmful behavior.
If you suspect that your children are being unjustly turned against you, let your attorney know as soon as possible. They'll fight to get to the bottom of the situation and alert the judge. Whatever happens, just be fair to your spouse and trust the legal process. As long as you communicate your concerns to your attorney, they will fight to preserve your family ties.